I lay awake for a long time afterwards struck by how familiar it felt to lie in this manner. But it shouldn't feel familiar because we have only slept together a few times, and those would never be described as peaceful. Then it clicked. The feeling I was reminded of was of being pregnant with that same little boy, when I used to sleep on my side and nestled my big belly with my arms.
Most recollections of giving birth describe the rapture of seeing and holding an infant after nine (ten) long months of anticipation. Although I was ecstatic upon your arrival, the feeling I most associate with those first few days is emptiness. Don't misunderstand me - it was a physical feeling of emptiness. I remember lying in the hospital bed on your first night, while you were in the NICU, and I felt so empty without your heart beating inside me. I missed the movements of your arms and legs. The thumping. The hiccups. I missed you being a part of me. Obviously, this was due partly to the situation because most mothers are too busy taking care of the infant on the outside to be thinking about what is gone from the inside. But I didn't have you to take care of yet, and without you I felt deflated. I missed you.
Five years later I am reminded that you will always be a part of me. It will always feel familiar and right to snuggle you against me. Our lives will always be intertwined, just as our bodies once were. I love the quote, "No one else will ever know the strength of my love for you. After all, you are the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside."
One Day Old
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| Holding you for the first time in the NICU...and crying. A lot. |
One Year Old
Five Years Old
I love my baby boy.
2 comments:
SO sweet. Brought tears to my eyes. And I totally felt the same way.
Me too. Though I could hold Henry in my room, not in the NICU, I remember a sadness that I'd never feel him inside me again. And if I'm being honest, sometimes I still miss it.
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